Consensual Banging: Tips for Bringing Kink to the Page

Sex and sexuality has always been a part of storytelling, whether it’s via spoken word or on the page. Sexuality and sexual interest, like many aspects of the human experience, are not straight lines. As an author, bringing your characters to life is your job, but there are a lot of things with sex and kink (and kinky sex) that people just don’t think about sometimes when they’re writing. Let’s see what we can do to spice up your spice!

What is ‘kink’?

In romance and erotica, writing sexual scenes and plotlines often surfaces as authors writing about pairings, sexual interests, or experiences they may or may not be personally familiar with. One of the most popular ‘alternative sexualities’ to write about is BDSM, a combination of three different acronyms:

• BD: Bondage and Discipline
• DS: Domination and Submission
• SM: Sadism and Masochism

“Kink”, as an umbrella term, is essentially the modern version of “paraphilia”, a word that describes anything that is not explicitly the act of sex that induces sexual arousal. Does the idea of watching someone without their knowledge get you excited (voyeurism)? What about the idea of giving up control and letting someone else take the reins (submission)? What about sex in public or a mildly public space (exhibitionism)? All these are paraphilias — not everyone has kinks, but the majority (seriously, more than 80% depending on the fantasy) do, and that includes you and your characters!

It’s worth noting before we move on that a kink and a fetish are different things. Whereas a kink involves consensual, non-traditional sexual and intimate behaviors, a ‘fetish’ is a more specific term that describes an erotic attraction to something that is specifically not a sexual body part (like feet or hands), smells, objects, fluids, fabrics, or others.¹ They often go hand in hand; for example, someone who enjoys bondage may become excited with the feeling of rope gliding across their skin.

And why should I listen to you?

I have been involved in the world of BDSM for almost 20 years. I also identify as polyamorous, and have two partners: my nesting partner (the person I live with) of 14 years and my non-nesting partner of two years. (I also write stuff.)

I personally fall across all three acronyms in BDSM: I take the role of dominant (often abbreviated ‘dom’ or ‘domme’ depending on gender roles), have a heavy interest in bondage and discipline, and am a sexual sadist.² I’ve worked with a lot of people over the years with a bunch of different fetishes; there’s nothing new under the sun except what drove these people to have the kinks that they do. (An interesting side note is that for every kink, exactly how that person got there is entirely their own journey. It is always different.)

Kink and experimenting with sex is exciting, especially when you can use it to further a plot or explain some part of a character. But as with all things, if you don’t represent it well, it comes across poorly to the reader. Over the next five parts, we’re going to take a look at different pieces of kink, what they are, how they work, how your characters might experience them, and tips for showing them in the light they deserve.

Part One: The Foundation (Defining & Understanding)

Redefining “Normal”

Humans, as an animal species, have an evolutionary drive to engage in sex – notably, we generally³ don’t have a desire to have sex for the sake of reproduction. Reproduction, across the animal kingdom, is a byproduct of the desire to have sex; that’s why the importance of things like consent varies by species. As humans, we have the decision to view sex in different ways. We also have the external pressures of others’ view on sex and sexuality that then shapes our own (we’ll get more into detail on this later on).

For paraphilias (kinks and fetishes), over half (55%) of Gen Z report having fantasies relating to kink, and that’s not counting specific fetishes. According to research from the Kinsey Institute and Feeld, the numbers are similar for Millenials, with roughly 52% showing up with a desire for something kinky.⁴ While it seems like kink is still an outlier if you go by how acceptable it is to talk about subjects like this in public, topics that have historically be grouped with kink, like rough sex, are incredibly common with a recent 2021 study of 5000 couples responding 4/5 couples (~79%) reported that they engaged in rough sex (choking, hair pulling, spanking, being pinned down, being tied up, slapping, and more). Several of these behaviors (like being pinned down and / or tied up) have historically only been viewed through the lens of kink, but the reality is much more common. They just happen behind closed doors.

The Paraphilia Continuum

When looking at paraphilias, it’s helpful to organize them into three different groups. These groups define how and to what extent the paraphilia affects the person’s life:

• Healthy: A preference that is consensual and does not cause distress
• Normal, but Unusual: this is something that’s statistically unusual but isn’t harmful to themselves or others; an example might be a fascination with a specific role-play scenario or a strong fetish for feet.
• Distressing: a fixation that causes significant stress to the individual. This could be something that they hate about themselves or something that is related to anxiety.

The reason to separate them is that in psychiatry, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) is the de-facto tool for diagnosing and understanding mental disorders and deviations. We’re currently on version 5 of the DSM as of this writing, published in 2022. In the DSM, they specify five different subsections of kink:

• Sadism: Deriving sexual pleasure from inflicting physical or psychological distress on others.
• Masochism: Deriving sexual pleasure from receiving physical or psychological distress.
• Voyeurism: Sexual gratification from watching others (consensual or non-consensual).
• Exhibitionism: Sexual gratification from being watched (consensual or non-consensual).
• Fetishism: A specific focus on an object, body part, or scenario that is not typically sexual in nature (e.g., feet, rubber, age play).

The only time that any of these is considered an actual problem by modern science is when any of these exist in a person and they fall in that last group: distressing. This is where a person may be so affected by their own thoughts about their kinks that it negatively affects their life in various ways. For example, a person with a sadism disorder is more akin to a serial killer than someone who likes to bite in the bedroom (or someone who is terrified by their fetish to the point of anxiety).

Ice Cream Isn’t Everything

Vanilla, the famously complex flavor that has contributed to almost two hundred years of war, is usually used to define sex and sexual encounters that are bland, normal, boring, or any other adjective you care to use in the same vein. In our case, ‘vanilla’ means anything that you would attribute to “basic” sex or heavy petting (think ’teenagers making out in a car’). The biggest difference between a vanilla scene and a kinky one is simple:

A kinky scene involves a consensual imbalance of power.

There are two important parts to that definition: consensual and imbalance of power. The first part, consensual, is easier to cover. If it is consensual, then all participants are consenting in what is happening. If one or more of the participants does not consent, for any reason, then it crosses into the territory of rape, assault, and / or coercion. (Note that there is a kink called consensual non-consent, or CNC; this is different in that it is essentially roleplay of nonconsent between consenting adults who have identified exactly what counts and what doesn’t. More on that later.)

Who Holds the Power?

A very common misunderstanding in kink is ‘who holds the power?’. When looking at it from the outside, especially in porn, the answer seems obvious: it’s the dominant, right? They’re the ones ordering other people around, they’re the ones doing everything… so they’re in charge?

If there’s only one thing you take away from this, it should be:

The submissive role is the role that holds the power. They set the pace, the rules, and the duration. The role of the dominant is to work within these boundaries.

When negotiating before the scene or the relationship, the submissive draws lines in the sand of exactly what they are willing to endure. If the submissive doesn’t want to do it, it doesn’t happen. (Note that there are kinks involving things that the submissive person may not want to do, but they consent to being told to do the thing they may not want to do.) Every scene involves a way for the submissive to end the scene – whether it’s constant check-ins from the dominant or a clearer system like safewords (also more on that later).

If dominant crosses a boundary that has been set by the submissive, the scene immediately moves into sexual assault territory because the submissive no longer consents to what is happening. This is extremely serious territory. Depending on the level of infraction, this may be something that can be talked through; maybe it’s something the submissive is willing to forgive. In that case, it’s something that will end all further scenes until it’s discussed properly. If it’s something more dramatic, then even one infraction could be grounds for terminating the relationship or even pursuing legal avenues.

I’m not kidding: this is serious shit. In some cases of “edge play” (consensual kink activities that are considered by the community to be more risk than it’s worth, like choking), the dominant has the physical ability to hurt, maim, or even kill their partner.

The Spectrum of Kink

We need to draw a line between the fantasy of kink vs. the reality of kink. Much like how sex in media is depicted without the cleanup, mess, and fascinating array of smells that accompany the acts, kink suffers from the same problem. A person (or character) who has a fantasy or interest in a particular kink may not want to participate in it. This also works in the opposite direction: someone who enjoys partaking in a particular kink may not actually enjoy the idea of the kink, but it satisfies something else (like wanting to please their partner).

People fall all over a wide range of interests. At one of the scale, you have someone who only has a passing interest in kink and / or only likes fantasy; at the other, you find people who embrace their kinky selves with open arms, flying their freak flag proudly⁵ for all to see. Most people fall somewhere in the middle, especially where rough sex is concerned. Want to throw your partner onto the bed and hold their wrists so they can’t stop you while you do mean things to them? Congrats! That’s kinky, even if it doesn’t really seem like it.

Common Kinks & You

Lots of people have kinks, so let’s quickly step through some common ones:

• BDSM
• Ropes and restraint, either restraining someone or being restrained
• Hosiery (pantyhose)
• Costumes / lingerie
• Roleplay
• Humiliation (being put down emotionally)
• Auralism (becoming excited by hearing things)
• Impact play (spanking, crops, or other toys)
• Gags (either a special gag or something more impromptu)
• Praise (‘you’re doing such a good job for me’)

Everyone is different, so mix and match for your characters. Keep in mind that two characters’ kinks will rarely, if ever, match up perfectly. Someone’s going to be interested in something the other person isn’t, and that’s just part of life. The trick is finding the common ground where everyone can have fun.

Part Two: Character & Context (Building the Framework)

Why Characters Have Kinks

Assuming for a moment that your characters do actually have kinks, how did they get them? Most fetishes and kinks are cemented early between the ages of 10-12. They can be discovered later in life, but the ones that are central to a person’s development and interests? Those have (usually) been around for quite some time.

Other kinks can come from ‘awakenings’, or exposure to ideas and concepts that were previously undiscovered. One way this can happen is when a sexual lens is applied to a character trait in a way that the character has never thought about before (for example, a woman who likes being in control of situations at work suddenly feels different about it when a new coworker responds “yes ma’am” to an instruction). This is frequently how folks discover praise kinks, submission kinks, and anything else that can be a plausible extension of a work-related conversation.

Physical, emotional, or mental trauma can also inform sexual tastes, though this is less common. This mostly manifests in the judgementally-named form of “daddy issues”, but is almost always rooted in a deep-seated desire to regain control over the event(s) that harmed them. For example, a rape survivor may lose themselves in role-play losely based on their experiences, or someone who was trapped in a locker may pursue confined spaces to enjoy on their terms. What’s important to realize is that people who chase kink because of related traumas don’t do it because they’re ‘damaged’ or something similar. Painting your character’s pain with such a broad brush is reductive and only serves to minimize their credibility. Just like other forms of self-exploration, kink is a valid way to explore one’s personal growth.

(On a similar note, some people who face trauma lose their kinks based on their experiences. An example might be someone who enjoyed being tied up and helpless, then were the victim of a robbery. Now any experience that reminds them of the experience may trigger PTSD or similar feelings. Sometimes people also ‘fall out’ of different kinks or interests over time as they grow; it may just not be something they’re interested in anymore.)

The “Kink” Archetypes

It’s very easy to reduce a kinky character to being defined only by their sexuality, much like a gay character being shown only as the “gay best friend”. Toss out the mental images of dungeons and Folsom Street Fair, the leather, the whips, and everything else; your characters need to be people first. They have goals, dreams, and (usually) a life outside of their sexual interests. Once you get that part figured out, then you need to figure out what kind of kinky they are.

Within kink as a whole, there are a handful of categories that people usually feel drawn to. (This is a non-exhaustive list. Don’t @ me.) Many people who identify as “kinky” have crossover between multiple categories; this is totally normal and, honestly, expected.

• Dominant: someone who enjoys taking control of a situation and being “in charge”.
• Submissive: someone who enjoys being ordered around and doing what other people ask of them.
• Switch: someone who performs the role of dominant or submissive (or both) depending on the situation, mood, or partner they’re with.
• Rigger: someone who enjoys tying people up.
• Rope bunny: someone who enjoys being tied up.
• Sadist: someone who enjoys consensually causing pain or distress.
• Masochist: someone who enjoys consensually being caused pain or distress.
• Master: someone who enjoys control to a greater extent than Dominant.
• Slave: someone who enjoys being controlled to a greater extent than Submissive.
• Caregiver: someone who enjoys taking care of other people.
• Little: someone who enjoys being taken care of.
• Voyeur: someone who enjoys watching other people.
• Exhibitionist: someone who enjoys being watched.
• Brat: someone who enjoys being a pain in the butt and the correction that comes with it.
• Brat tamer: someone who enjoys having their patience tested by brats.

If you’re just looking for something to scaffold your character around, I recommend the more common and ‘generic’ entries: dominant, submissive, and switch. You can get quite a lot from these roles alone without getting into the details, but having tendencies from another archetype will make a character feel more complete and real.

World-Building Considerations

Kink is, and always will be, a counter-culture concept. In much of the world, BDSM as a concept is illegal. This means that, regardless of negotiated consent, in the eyes of the law, someone cannot consent to be hurt. Your stories, whether set in the modern world, the past, or a different world altogether, will also have rules and laws that govern sex and sexuality.

Today, what is “socially acceptable” to discuss with regards to ‘alternative sex’ includes topics like rough sex, choking, and / or light bondage (ribbons, blindfolds, fuzzy handcuffs). Different times were not less kinky — they just had different names for it. For example, in Victorian England, French prostitutes frequently played the role of dominatrix by whipping English men in a boudoir setting. Unfortunately, though we know that ancient cultures had their own attitudes towards sex, we can’t ascribe “kink” or similar terms because the societal attitudes towards the activities aren’t the same, and thus don’t have the same meanings. Caning, for example, has had many different meanings over the centuries. Some good, most bad, some humiliating, some emasculating, some purely punishing, some for erotic gratification, and more. What we know today as ‘kink’ has only existed since the late 1600s through mid 1700s.

Even if it doesn’t make it into your prose, it’s worth the time to understand how sexuality is viewed in the world you are painting. Maybe you’re playing by the rules you know best; in that case, there’s not much to explain to the reader because they likely know the same rules. If your world has different rules, you will need to communicate those laws, expectations, and potentially historical expectations to your reader.

Character Arcs with Kink

Much like the popularity of ‘coming of age’ stories, where a character learns what it means to be an adult / queer / different / the chosen one / a god / trapped in a time vortex / a vampire / a werewolf / the last of their kind / a robot / a clone / a superhero / cursed / mythical creature, a character’s first proper introduction to kink is a common path for protagonists (particularly in romance).

A story doesn’t have to involve a coming of age — it can be rooted in a transformation around trust, an understanding about love, a reframing of a traumatic past, or even a character’s handling of their own emotions. If you choose to make kink a central theme in your text, there needs to be a defined arc: a beginning, a middle, and an end.

• What is your character struggling with?
• Where should they end up?
• How do they get there, and how does kink play a role in this struggle?
• What does sex mean to them over the course of this journey?

In emotional journeys like this, it’s worth noting that much of the growth happens solo, in that the experiences the character endures changes their outlook on the world and their interpretations of the things around them. People are complicated, and kink is too.

Wrapping up (for now)

That’s it for the first installment of this post. The second post will have parts 3-6:

• Part Three: The Mechanics (Writing the Scenes)
• Part Four: The Minefield (Avoiding Common Pitfalls)
• Part Five: The Practical (Advanced Techniques)
• Part Six: The Wrap-Up (Final Thoughts)